Well, I'm back at work.
And I'm certainly feeling vacation-withdrawal. Not that I expect anyone on the face of the earth to feel sympathetic about that (except for possibly my fellow vacationers) - such a hardship, I know. But there it is. Since I've never really gone away like this before, I had no idea what to expect. Bottom line, as should have been expected, I wish I was still back in Maine. All vacation-type elements aside (like having every meal, all accommodations, and every activity paid for, constantly doing fun things, never having to do work of any kind...), I still wish I was back there. Without certain complications, I would move there in a heartbeat.
The air is cleaner. Everything felt fresh. It was cooler and calmer. People were nice all over (although by the end I was starting to crave the intense apathy New Jersey has to offer; 'No! I don't need any help! Three other people asked me already - just leave me alone to browse and when I need you I'll walk up to the counter and you can ignore me some more until you're good and ready; that's how this works!') There was water everywhere (which I'm surprisingly drawn to, considering my fears related to water). The mountains are gorgeous. Every day, whether it was raining, sunny, I got enough sleep or not, it just felt _better_. Just being there felt better. It's gorgeous and cleaner and less populated but still not completely isolated (unless you want to be). Definitely a way of life I could learn to love.
But it _is_ more complicated. First, it will take much time before we're ready to move and can afford it. I'd need a new job, and considering my need for carpooling, that always makes me anxious. Plus, I love my job. And my boss; I'm in a really good situation here. And if it wasn't for the fact we want to move to a less heavily populated, less liberal area, I would happily work here as long as we're open. I'm comfortable and treated well and have security - that really means a lot. And then there are friends. And family. Leaving all of that sort of takes the air out of my lungs. Take that out of the equation some how, like with the addition of a private plane or a mass exodus where I bring everyone I love with me, and my reservations would probably melt instantly.
But there you have it.
Anyway, nothing's decided, but we do need to figure out where we're going to raise our family and live our life. So that's on my mind a lot.
Well, that diverged quickly from the initial point of this post. Let's recap the last couple of vacation days. Saturday we got underway nice and early. After the sunrise we only sort of saw we came back, got our stuff together, packed, and in the car. We made some breakfast, made sure the place was nice and clean, and we were on the road by 9:00. We made a couple of stops on the way and took an extended break in Freeport. We walked around L. L. Bean one last time and had dinner again at Gritty's. Completely bookended vacation ftw!
Back on the road we headed to Sturbridge, Massachusetts where we had hotel rooms to stay the night. We got there in time to use the pool for a couple of hours so Genevieve and I got our suits on and spent the evening at the pool. Genevieve started teaching me how to swim and along with some pointers from Michael, I can now keep myself above water pretty consistently and even move around a bit. If only those rude, annoying children/parents weren't around, it would have been perfect. Took a soak in the hot tub for a few and then showered and crashed for the night.
Sunday we got going nice and early; we had breakfast in the hotel and were on the road by 10:00. We made some pit stops and hit some traffic, but even with stopping for lunch before parting ways, we were home by 3:00. I unpacked _some_ (mostly the food) of our stuff and otherwise vegged with Michael watching MST3K and The State while Genevieve sat with us and caught up on interneting after only having brief moments with my laptop over the course of the last week and a half. Slept a _lot_ Sunday night, and Monday morning was much like the night before; thoroughly relaxing and enjoyable. Plus, I achieved unpacking everything of mine _except_ my clothes (which may sound like not an accomplishment, but it _is_).
Then for the late afternoon and evening we picked George up, had dinner, did some shopping, and played Simpsons Clue. Excellent cap on the almost-two-week vacation.
And as I said, now I'm back at work. Luckily, I love my job, so it wasn't much of a hardship. Still, I'd rather be home watching nerdy TV or back on Cadillac Mountain staring at all the stars I've never seen before, breathing in the fresh air. I fell in love with the south every time we went, being surprised at how much I love it there. But going to Maine felt like home. And that's been incredibly scary to me.
Today I'm working on employee profiles, getting ready for individual evaluations, and it's harder than I thought. So I should get back, just needed a break and wanted to get some thoughts down.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Maine Trip, Volume 02
We actually arrived in Maine at around 6:00, got all checked into the hotel, and by that time we were all _starving_. So, after settling in a bit, we went back out to find some food. On the way we had passed a local brewery/pub called Gritty's, and we ultimately decided to go there.
Well, I could not have had a better first meal in Maine. I got their lobster mac and cheese topped with pan fried cornbread and fried jalapeños (which completely rival fried pickles). They had Ménage à Trois Red (my current favorite red wine) of which I had a glass, I sampled two beers, and got a Green Monkey for dessert (Midori, Malibu Banana Run, and pineapple juice - yum!) It was completely satisfying.
After dinner we decided to bump our L. L. Bean trip up early since we wanted to walk around a bit, but the center of Freeport apparently mostly shuts down by 8:00 (at least before tourist season). Well, two hours later we'd walked off the fullness from food, all done some shopping, and I walked away with a cute new shirt, two pairs of socks, an awesome new bathing suit (on sale!), and a souvenir from Michael (picture will follow).
Now we're back at the hotel, showered, and about to call it a night. It's been a long but completely awesome day. We're hoping to catch breakfast early in the morning and then walk around in Freeport before heading for Bar Harbor so getting to sleep now will give us plenty of time. If we get up early, I may try out my new bathing suit or catch a quick workout (they have a really nice fitness center in the hotel).
Unfortunately, as tired as I am, I'm also completely wired. It's not exactly like a second wind, but I just don't feel like I could fall asleep yet. So I'll probably catch up on reading my blogs, poke around online a bit, and then read before falling asleep.
More to come...
Well, I could not have had a better first meal in Maine. I got their lobster mac and cheese topped with pan fried cornbread and fried jalapeños (which completely rival fried pickles). They had Ménage à Trois Red (my current favorite red wine) of which I had a glass, I sampled two beers, and got a Green Monkey for dessert (Midori, Malibu Banana Run, and pineapple juice - yum!) It was completely satisfying.
After dinner we decided to bump our L. L. Bean trip up early since we wanted to walk around a bit, but the center of Freeport apparently mostly shuts down by 8:00 (at least before tourist season). Well, two hours later we'd walked off the fullness from food, all done some shopping, and I walked away with a cute new shirt, two pairs of socks, an awesome new bathing suit (on sale!), and a souvenir from Michael (picture will follow).
Now we're back at the hotel, showered, and about to call it a night. It's been a long but completely awesome day. We're hoping to catch breakfast early in the morning and then walk around in Freeport before heading for Bar Harbor so getting to sleep now will give us plenty of time. If we get up early, I may try out my new bathing suit or catch a quick workout (they have a really nice fitness center in the hotel).
Unfortunately, as tired as I am, I'm also completely wired. It's not exactly like a second wind, but I just don't feel like I could fall asleep yet. So I'll probably catch up on reading my blogs, poke around online a bit, and then read before falling asleep.
More to come...
Maine Trip, Volume 01
It is now 3:27pm on Friday, June 25th. (Or it was when I wrote this.)
I'm writing this in the back of the RAV in the middle of our trip to Maine. We changed our leave time this morning to 8:30 instead of 6:30. This was due in great part to the ridiculous times Genevieve and I got out of work. Both for good reasons, though.
Last night Pauline held a party for some of her friends, doing something for herself for one of the first times since I've known her. So she asked me to help her run it (of course). The event was supposed to be 7:00-10:00 (we normally close at 9:00), but it was relatively casual, all with very chatty and friendly women, and so once the painting began after mingling, it was pretty late. It was actually very fun, just tiring. I left close to 11:30, but was satisfying and Pauline was very appreciative.
Anyway, when Michael and I got home, we packed up some last minute things, I prepared the rest of the snacks for today, and I took a shower and relaxed a bit with Michael waiting for Genevieve to get home. She was detained even longer than I; she left work around 1:00am after helping to finish up a bunch of video editing. Michael and I stayed up long enough to kiss her goodnight, and then at some point I fell into bed, waking up 15 minutes before my reset 8:00 alarm.
We actually left the apartment at around 8:50, only 20 minutes later than our leave time (this is why I _always_ want to plan for seriously early leaving; we notoriously take longer to do everything, generally make a lot of stops on a trip, and therefore always get places massively later than any of us want to). After doing all the errands we needed to (banks, post office, breakfast), we finally got onto the road at about 10:00. And we've been driving pretty much ever since. We kit a horrible wall of traffic in Connecticut that spanned about ¾ of a mile and lasted for almost an hour. It was essentially a parking lot.
I think the best part was when the woman in flowy robes walked past our car (in the middle lane of a major highway) and got ahead enough that I lost track of her. Other people were getting our of their cars, a motorcyclist and meat delivery man had a lively and friendly looking conversation across three lanes of traffic, several assholes in vans (including an on-the-clock Comcast employee) rode the shoulder shoving their way past the rest of us, and we played with Michael's new Flip cam and listened to horrible new Meatloaf music in an attempt to make the time go faster.
Other than that the ride's been pretty clear. That is to say until about ten minutes ago when we hit yet another nit of traffic. But now we're in Massachusetts, and it's more expected. And at least we're _moving_. We're just not going as quickly as we'd like.
Still our projected arrival time is before 5:30. We're hoping to stop very little before then, get all checked into the hotel, and then find some interesting spots in Freeport. So far we plan to visit the desert in the middle of Maine, L. L. Bean at midnight, and at some point (either today or tomorrow) have McLobster (at least Genevieve and I). We will also likely have some real food (hopefully local) at some point for dinner. My snacks are awesome but not a meal.
So, that's our trip thus far. Michael's making short video updates as well so this is looking to be our best-documented trip yet! I am especially fond of the gift I bought myself for the trip; the AC adapter that's allowing me to use/charge my laptop right now. It's _awesome_. With it I can have plugged in my laptop with an AC cord, my DS with the USB cord, and Genevieve's GPS with the car port, all built into the same adapter. I think it's brilliant and wonderful.
That's all for now; I'll post this when I get to an internet connection and add more when we've made more headway.
I'm writing this in the back of the RAV in the middle of our trip to Maine. We changed our leave time this morning to 8:30 instead of 6:30. This was due in great part to the ridiculous times Genevieve and I got out of work. Both for good reasons, though.
Last night Pauline held a party for some of her friends, doing something for herself for one of the first times since I've known her. So she asked me to help her run it (of course). The event was supposed to be 7:00-10:00 (we normally close at 9:00), but it was relatively casual, all with very chatty and friendly women, and so once the painting began after mingling, it was pretty late. It was actually very fun, just tiring. I left close to 11:30, but was satisfying and Pauline was very appreciative.
Anyway, when Michael and I got home, we packed up some last minute things, I prepared the rest of the snacks for today, and I took a shower and relaxed a bit with Michael waiting for Genevieve to get home. She was detained even longer than I; she left work around 1:00am after helping to finish up a bunch of video editing. Michael and I stayed up long enough to kiss her goodnight, and then at some point I fell into bed, waking up 15 minutes before my reset 8:00 alarm.
We actually left the apartment at around 8:50, only 20 minutes later than our leave time (this is why I _always_ want to plan for seriously early leaving; we notoriously take longer to do everything, generally make a lot of stops on a trip, and therefore always get places massively later than any of us want to). After doing all the errands we needed to (banks, post office, breakfast), we finally got onto the road at about 10:00. And we've been driving pretty much ever since. We kit a horrible wall of traffic in Connecticut that spanned about ¾ of a mile and lasted for almost an hour. It was essentially a parking lot.
I think the best part was when the woman in flowy robes walked past our car (in the middle lane of a major highway) and got ahead enough that I lost track of her. Other people were getting our of their cars, a motorcyclist and meat delivery man had a lively and friendly looking conversation across three lanes of traffic, several assholes in vans (including an on-the-clock Comcast employee) rode the shoulder shoving their way past the rest of us, and we played with Michael's new Flip cam and listened to horrible new Meatloaf music in an attempt to make the time go faster.
Other than that the ride's been pretty clear. That is to say until about ten minutes ago when we hit yet another nit of traffic. But now we're in Massachusetts, and it's more expected. And at least we're _moving_. We're just not going as quickly as we'd like.
Still our projected arrival time is before 5:30. We're hoping to stop very little before then, get all checked into the hotel, and then find some interesting spots in Freeport. So far we plan to visit the desert in the middle of Maine, L. L. Bean at midnight, and at some point (either today or tomorrow) have McLobster (at least Genevieve and I). We will also likely have some real food (hopefully local) at some point for dinner. My snacks are awesome but not a meal.
So, that's our trip thus far. Michael's making short video updates as well so this is looking to be our best-documented trip yet! I am especially fond of the gift I bought myself for the trip; the AC adapter that's allowing me to use/charge my laptop right now. It's _awesome_. With it I can have plugged in my laptop with an AC cord, my DS with the USB cord, and Genevieve's GPS with the car port, all built into the same adapter. I think it's brilliant and wonderful.
That's all for now; I'll post this when I get to an internet connection and add more when we've made more headway.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Maine's coming, did you bring your coat?
And on the topic of Maine, only three more days of work and then we head out! This week is packed with work for me, but I'm hoping that encourages it to go faster. Yesterday I came in for half a day to get the kiln room taken care of (which was good because even so I have much to catch up on today... yes I know I'm writing a blog post instead; even I need to take breaks sometimes). Today and tomorrow are both 9-10 hour days. And Thursday's going to be a 12 1/2 - 13 hour day which I'll be powering through (full day of work, corporate team building event, Ladies' Night, and a private party for Pauline's friends). All in all, it'll be tough, but at least with our trip moved up a day, I'll have that to look forward to to get me through. I may even treat myself to a bit of sushi (which always helps me get through the tough days).
Tonight and tomorrow night are also my packing nights. By the time I go to sleep Wednesday night, everything but my pillow (and snacks) will be ready to go to Maine. That way on Thursday night when I crawl into the apartment after my long day, I can shower and get six or so hours of sleep before we're off to Maine (if I'm super motivated and really get to bed early enough, there's a chance I'll get up at 5:00 to workout before we leave... we'll see). So far the plan is to get up at 6:00, dressed, and out the door at 6:30.
The drive is somewhere around 7 hours to get to Freeport (where we're staying on Friday night). We tend to stop (a lot) on our trips, thus the early leave time. Hopefully we'll get into Freeport early evening and get to see some of the city. We're already planning on a midnight trip to the L. L. Bean flagship store. (Did you know the Freeport L. L. Bean Flagship Store is open 24 hours?) At some point I will try a McLobster and Moxie (hopefully at the same time). Oh yes, I intend to get the full Maine experience.
There's no cell reception in the house we're staying in. This is something that thrills Genevieve and Michael but is a little less than thrilling for me. I am far too used to being connected to pretty much everyone I know and everywhere/thing I need via my phone, so not being able to get every-thirty-second updates on what's happening in facebook land and such will be an adjustment. But one I'm sure I'll quite enjoy. I will have internet access so I'll be posting (I hope) daily updates on our trip here and responding to emails when I can. (Oh, and, of course, daily checking the Woot! Shirt of the day; I do not apologize for a second for ruining your life with that link. I will pleasantly _not_ be available for _any_ work-related anything. And _that_ is a very pleasing thought.
All in all, I'm super excited about this trip. I've never been on a vacation like this. As a kid, we did lots of day trips, but never a full out vacation. And money was always tight so we almost always avoided staying over anywhere if we could. That's not to say my parents didn't do what they could; they did. And we were never needing and rarely wanting for anything. It's just a particular thing we never did.
As an adult, I've done plenty of weekend trips and a couple of extended road trips. We did take a week to go to Memphis when Genevieve's sister lived there, but half of that was driving and finding the cheapest hotels we could; über fun, don't get me wrong, but not the same kind of "vacation" - different kind of fun. Anyway, this is my first real vacation like this (and I couldn't be more grateful to Michael's mom for having us). We've known about it for the better part of the last year and having it so close is almost difficult to grasp. It's always just been this awesome thing that's far away and we have to look forward to. To actually be gearing up to go is pretty extraordinary.
Tonight and tomorrow night are also my packing nights. By the time I go to sleep Wednesday night, everything but my pillow (and snacks) will be ready to go to Maine. That way on Thursday night when I crawl into the apartment after my long day, I can shower and get six or so hours of sleep before we're off to Maine (if I'm super motivated and really get to bed early enough, there's a chance I'll get up at 5:00 to workout before we leave... we'll see). So far the plan is to get up at 6:00, dressed, and out the door at 6:30.
The drive is somewhere around 7 hours to get to Freeport (where we're staying on Friday night). We tend to stop (a lot) on our trips, thus the early leave time. Hopefully we'll get into Freeport early evening and get to see some of the city. We're already planning on a midnight trip to the L. L. Bean flagship store. (Did you know the Freeport L. L. Bean Flagship Store is open 24 hours?) At some point I will try a McLobster and Moxie (hopefully at the same time). Oh yes, I intend to get the full Maine experience.
There's no cell reception in the house we're staying in. This is something that thrills Genevieve and Michael but is a little less than thrilling for me. I am far too used to being connected to pretty much everyone I know and everywhere/thing I need via my phone, so not being able to get every-thirty-second updates on what's happening in facebook land and such will be an adjustment. But one I'm sure I'll quite enjoy. I will have internet access so I'll be posting (I hope) daily updates on our trip here and responding to emails when I can. (Oh, and, of course, daily checking the Woot! Shirt of the day; I do not apologize for a second for ruining your life with that link. I will pleasantly _not_ be available for _any_ work-related anything. And _that_ is a very pleasing thought.
All in all, I'm super excited about this trip. I've never been on a vacation like this. As a kid, we did lots of day trips, but never a full out vacation. And money was always tight so we almost always avoided staying over anywhere if we could. That's not to say my parents didn't do what they could; they did. And we were never needing and rarely wanting for anything. It's just a particular thing we never did.
As an adult, I've done plenty of weekend trips and a couple of extended road trips. We did take a week to go to Memphis when Genevieve's sister lived there, but half of that was driving and finding the cheapest hotels we could; über fun, don't get me wrong, but not the same kind of "vacation" - different kind of fun. Anyway, this is my first real vacation like this (and I couldn't be more grateful to Michael's mom for having us). We've known about it for the better part of the last year and having it so close is almost difficult to grasp. It's always just been this awesome thing that's far away and we have to look forward to. To actually be gearing up to go is pretty extraordinary.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Motivation, or the lack of same.
I'm a bit out of my element today.
Normally when I'm upset about something or stressed about certain aspects of my life, especially the more intense the feeling, I have this drive to _do_ things. Case in point, last week, after working for 11 hours on Thursday, I got a bit upset over something small, and it felt like a much bigger deal than it was after a long, very busy, tiring day at work, and I had no idea how to make it better. So when I got home at 9:45, knowing I needed to be up at 5:45, I got productive.
I packed up a huge shipment of books, managed my Amazon store, caught up on all my blogs, wrote some emails I'd been meaning to for ages, paid some bills, did an intense and satisfying workout, took a long shower, washed all the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, and prepped some lunch to bring to work the following day.
By 12:30, I finally went to bed. And basically tossed and turned, exhausted but full of energy at the same time, and didn't really fall asleep until a couple of hours later.
Today I'm feeling a little cracked. Nothing big specifically going on. But I'm feeling the overwhelming pressure from various things sort of taking me over today. I've been holding on to certain things and doing so much lately and not really letting it out. And today, I'm feeling that pressure and I'm not holding together so well. Not much I can do about it, really. I'm working until at least 4:00, probably. Not sure exactly what I need, but I'm fairly certain under these specific circumstances I can't get it (right now, anyway).
And the worst part is the way my mind is dealing with it today. I would kill for that satisfying motivation that usually comes with sadness, anger, or aggravation (for me). I would love to have the energy and fire to blitz through all the work I have here, get ahead of the week, and then possibly even get some projects going for the summer.
But instead I'm sitting here writing this and even this is difficult for me to focus on. I'm completely uncoordinated. I know what needs to be done, but I'm having a hard time focusing on what order I should do it in and a hard time focusing on _doing_ it. My mind's too distracted and I'm ending up out of control of it's effect
... ... ...
My father disappointed me, again, today. I don't know how much was genuine and wasn't. I know he was supposed to work late. I know he said he'd try to get out early. I know he seemed to mean it and really miss me. I know he spent over half an hour keeping me on the phone every time I gave him and easy out of the conversation seeming to really want to talk to me. But I trust him less than not at all. And now that he's not free, I find myself not believing for a second that he was ever going to try. That he cared about a thing I told him.
I don't know if that's fair. And honestly, it isn't a surprise even if it is fair. My mother will tell me during the better moments she has concerning my dad that he cries to her sometimes about losing me and Chris. That he feels like he's lost the one (well, two) good thing(s) he's ever done and doesn't know how to make it right.
I wish she _wouldn't_ tell me that.
I came to terms a long time ago with him being an asshole. He was absent, he was emotionally hurtful if not abusive, he was quick to anger, and he never went out of his way to help us to or do anything for us. In fact, he often wouldn't do it even if it was along the way he was already going. I remember a good, happy dad from my childhood, but that's 18 or so years ago. What's happened in between far surpasses that memory.
But he was loving when I was most impressionable. And so it sticks with me, whether I want it to or not. Hearing his voice, I still sometimes feel like a little girl who wants to impress her daddy, or sneak ice cream, or play Zelda all day. And I can never have that with him again. I don't want it (and probably, as an adult, wouldn't want those things even if we had the best relationship). I barely even think of him. But an unfortunate feeling and memory creeps in and lasts sometimes for days, when all I want is to shove it back into it's little repressed corner of my mind.
This, among many other things, is making my day interminable. I wish very much that I'd thought ahead more about today, that this morning went differently, and that I wasn't at work waffling around trying to find motivation to do a job I could do in my sleep. And I don't know how to talk about anything right now. Or to who, for that matter. Or if I even should or need to. I just feel this pressure building and I don't know what to do with it. In case it wasn't obvious enough, I hate feeling out of control. The fact that I've already tried telling myself several times, "just stop thinking, let it go, work, and enjoy your day" and my head's still swimming is annoying.
But here we are. Or I am. And I should really go glaze something now.
Normally when I'm upset about something or stressed about certain aspects of my life, especially the more intense the feeling, I have this drive to _do_ things. Case in point, last week, after working for 11 hours on Thursday, I got a bit upset over something small, and it felt like a much bigger deal than it was after a long, very busy, tiring day at work, and I had no idea how to make it better. So when I got home at 9:45, knowing I needed to be up at 5:45, I got productive.
I packed up a huge shipment of books, managed my Amazon store, caught up on all my blogs, wrote some emails I'd been meaning to for ages, paid some bills, did an intense and satisfying workout, took a long shower, washed all the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, and prepped some lunch to bring to work the following day.
By 12:30, I finally went to bed. And basically tossed and turned, exhausted but full of energy at the same time, and didn't really fall asleep until a couple of hours later.
Today I'm feeling a little cracked. Nothing big specifically going on. But I'm feeling the overwhelming pressure from various things sort of taking me over today. I've been holding on to certain things and doing so much lately and not really letting it out. And today, I'm feeling that pressure and I'm not holding together so well. Not much I can do about it, really. I'm working until at least 4:00, probably. Not sure exactly what I need, but I'm fairly certain under these specific circumstances I can't get it (right now, anyway).
And the worst part is the way my mind is dealing with it today. I would kill for that satisfying motivation that usually comes with sadness, anger, or aggravation (for me). I would love to have the energy and fire to blitz through all the work I have here, get ahead of the week, and then possibly even get some projects going for the summer.
But instead I'm sitting here writing this and even this is difficult for me to focus on. I'm completely uncoordinated. I know what needs to be done, but I'm having a hard time focusing on what order I should do it in and a hard time focusing on _doing_ it. My mind's too distracted and I'm ending up out of control of it's effect
... ... ...
My father disappointed me, again, today. I don't know how much was genuine and wasn't. I know he was supposed to work late. I know he said he'd try to get out early. I know he seemed to mean it and really miss me. I know he spent over half an hour keeping me on the phone every time I gave him and easy out of the conversation seeming to really want to talk to me. But I trust him less than not at all. And now that he's not free, I find myself not believing for a second that he was ever going to try. That he cared about a thing I told him.
I don't know if that's fair. And honestly, it isn't a surprise even if it is fair. My mother will tell me during the better moments she has concerning my dad that he cries to her sometimes about losing me and Chris. That he feels like he's lost the one (well, two) good thing(s) he's ever done and doesn't know how to make it right.
I wish she _wouldn't_ tell me that.
I came to terms a long time ago with him being an asshole. He was absent, he was emotionally hurtful if not abusive, he was quick to anger, and he never went out of his way to help us to or do anything for us. In fact, he often wouldn't do it even if it was along the way he was already going. I remember a good, happy dad from my childhood, but that's 18 or so years ago. What's happened in between far surpasses that memory.
But he was loving when I was most impressionable. And so it sticks with me, whether I want it to or not. Hearing his voice, I still sometimes feel like a little girl who wants to impress her daddy, or sneak ice cream, or play Zelda all day. And I can never have that with him again. I don't want it (and probably, as an adult, wouldn't want those things even if we had the best relationship). I barely even think of him. But an unfortunate feeling and memory creeps in and lasts sometimes for days, when all I want is to shove it back into it's little repressed corner of my mind.
This, among many other things, is making my day interminable. I wish very much that I'd thought ahead more about today, that this morning went differently, and that I wasn't at work waffling around trying to find motivation to do a job I could do in my sleep. And I don't know how to talk about anything right now. Or to who, for that matter. Or if I even should or need to. I just feel this pressure building and I don't know what to do with it. In case it wasn't obvious enough, I hate feeling out of control. The fact that I've already tried telling myself several times, "just stop thinking, let it go, work, and enjoy your day" and my head's still swimming is annoying.
But here we are. Or I am. And I should really go glaze something now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
