Vacation wrap-up

Well, I'm back at work.

And I'm certainly feeling vacation-withdrawal. Not that I expect anyone on the face of the earth to feel sympathetic about that (except for possibly my fellow vacationers) - such a hardship, I know. But there it is. Since I've never really gone away like this before, I had no idea what to expect. Bottom line, as should have been expected, I wish I was still back in Maine. All vacation-type elements aside (like having every meal, all accommodations, and every activity paid for, constantly doing fun things, never having to do work of any kind...), I still wish I was back there. Without certain complications, I would move there in a heartbeat.

The air is cleaner. Everything felt fresh. It was cooler and calmer. People were nice all over (although by the end I was starting to crave the intense apathy New Jersey has to offer; 'No! I don't need any help! Three other people asked me already - just leave me alone to browse and when I need you I'll walk up to the counter and you can ignore me some more until you're good and ready; that's how this works!') There was water everywhere (which I'm surprisingly drawn to, considering my fears related to water). The mountains are gorgeous. Every day, whether it was raining, sunny, I got enough sleep or not, it just felt _better_. Just being there felt better. It's gorgeous and cleaner and less populated but still not completely isolated (unless you want to be). Definitely a way of life I could learn to love.

But it _is_ more complicated. First, it will take much time before we're ready to move and can afford it. I'd need a new job, and considering my need for carpooling, that always makes me anxious. Plus, I love my job. And my boss; I'm in a really good situation here. And if it wasn't for the fact we want to move to a less heavily populated, less liberal area, I would happily work here as long as we're open. I'm comfortable and treated well and have security - that really means a lot. And then there are friends. And family. Leaving all of that sort of takes the air out of my lungs. Take that out of the equation some how, like with the addition of a private plane or a mass exodus where I bring everyone I love with me, and my reservations would probably melt instantly.

But there you have it.

Anyway, nothing's decided, but we do need to figure out where we're going to raise our family and live our life. So that's on my mind a lot.

Well, that diverged quickly from the initial point of this post. Let's recap the last couple of vacation days. Saturday we got underway nice and early. After the sunrise we only sort of saw we came back, got our stuff together, packed, and in the car. We made some breakfast, made sure the place was nice and clean, and we were on the road by 9:00. We made a couple of stops on the way and took an extended break in Freeport. We walked around L. L. Bean one last time and had dinner again at Gritty's. Completely bookended vacation ftw!

Back on the road we headed to Sturbridge, Massachusetts where we had hotel rooms to stay the night. We got there in time to use the pool for a couple of hours so Genevieve and I got our suits on and spent the evening at the pool. Genevieve started teaching me how to swim and along with some pointers from Michael, I can now keep myself above water pretty consistently and even move around a bit. If only those rude, annoying children/parents weren't around, it would have been perfect. Took a soak in the hot tub for a few and then showered and crashed for the night.

Sunday we got going nice and early; we had breakfast in the hotel and were on the road by 10:00. We made some pit stops and hit some traffic, but even with stopping for lunch before parting ways, we were home by 3:00. I unpacked _some_ (mostly the food) of our stuff and otherwise vegged with Michael watching MST3K and The State while Genevieve sat with us and caught up on interneting after only having brief moments with my laptop over the course of the last week and a half. Slept a _lot_ Sunday night, and Monday morning was much like the night before; thoroughly relaxing and enjoyable. Plus, I achieved unpacking everything of mine _except_ my clothes (which may sound like not an accomplishment, but it _is_).

Then for the late afternoon and evening we picked George up, had dinner, did some shopping, and played Simpsons Clue. Excellent cap on the almost-two-week vacation.

And as I said, now I'm back at work. Luckily, I love my job, so it wasn't much of a hardship. Still, I'd rather be home watching nerdy TV or back on Cadillac Mountain staring at all the stars I've never seen before, breathing in the fresh air. I fell in love with the south every time we went, being surprised at how much I love it there. But going to Maine felt like home. And that's been incredibly scary to me.

Today I'm working on employee profiles, getting ready for individual evaluations, and it's harder than I thought. So I should get back, just needed a break and wanted to get some thoughts down.

Motivation, or the lack of same.

I'm a bit out of my element today.

Normally when I'm upset about something or stressed about certain aspects of my life, especially the more intense the feeling, I have this drive to _do_ things. Case in point, last week, after working for 11 hours on Thursday, I got a bit upset over something small, and it felt like a much bigger deal than it was after a long, very busy, tiring day at work, and I had no idea how to make it better. So when I got home at 9:45, knowing I needed to be up at 5:45, I got productive.

I packed up a huge shipment of books, managed my Amazon store, caught up on all my blogs, wrote some emails I'd been meaning to for ages, paid some bills, did an intense and satisfying workout, took a long shower, washed all the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, and prepped some lunch to bring to work the following day.

By 12:30, I finally went to bed. And basically tossed and turned, exhausted but full of energy at the same time, and didn't really fall asleep until a couple of hours later.

Today I'm feeling a little cracked. Nothing big specifically going on. But I'm feeling the overwhelming pressure from various things sort of taking me over today. I've been holding on to certain things and doing so much lately and not really letting it out. And today, I'm feeling that pressure and I'm not holding together so well. Not much I can do about it, really. I'm working until at least 4:00, probably. Not sure exactly what I need, but I'm fairly certain under these specific circumstances I can't get it (right now, anyway).

And the worst part is the way my mind is dealing with it today. I would kill for that satisfying motivation that usually comes with sadness, anger, or aggravation (for me). I would love to have the energy and fire to blitz through all the work I have here, get ahead of the week, and then possibly even get some projects going for the summer.

But instead I'm sitting here writing this and even this is difficult for me to focus on. I'm completely uncoordinated. I know what needs to be done, but I'm having a hard time focusing on what order I should do it in and a hard time focusing on _doing_ it. My mind's too distracted and I'm ending up out of control of it's effect

... ... ...

My father disappointed me, again, today. I don't know how much was genuine and wasn't. I know he was supposed to work late. I know he said he'd try to get out early. I know he seemed to mean it and really miss me. I know he spent over half an hour keeping me on the phone every time I gave him and easy out of the conversation seeming to really want to talk to me. But I trust him less than not at all. And now that he's not free, I find myself not believing for a second that he was ever going to try. That he cared about a thing I told him.

I don't know if that's fair. And honestly, it isn't a surprise even if it is fair. My mother will tell me during the better moments she has concerning my dad that he cries to her sometimes about losing me and Chris. That he feels like he's lost the one (well, two) good thing(s) he's ever done and doesn't know how to make it right.

I wish she _wouldn't_ tell me that.

I came to terms a long time ago with him being an asshole. He was absent, he was emotionally hurtful if not abusive, he was quick to anger, and he never went out of his way to help us to or do anything for us. In fact, he often wouldn't do it even if it was along the way he was already going. I remember a good, happy dad from my childhood, but that's 18 or so years ago. What's happened in between far surpasses that memory.

But he was loving when I was most impressionable. And so it sticks with me, whether I want it to or not. Hearing his voice, I still sometimes feel like a little girl who wants to impress her daddy, or sneak ice cream, or play Zelda all day. And I can never have that with him again. I don't want it (and probably, as an adult, wouldn't want those things even if we had the best relationship). I barely even think of him. But an unfortunate feeling and memory creeps in and lasts sometimes for days, when all I want is to shove it back into it's little repressed corner of my mind.

This, among many other things, is making my day interminable. I wish very much that I'd thought ahead more about today, that this morning went differently, and that I wasn't at work waffling around trying to find motivation to do a job I could do in my sleep. And I don't know how to talk about anything right now. Or to who, for that matter. Or if I even should or need to. I just feel this pressure building and I don't know what to do with it. In case it wasn't obvious enough, I hate feeling out of control. The fact that I've already tried telling myself several times, "just stop thinking, let it go, work, and enjoy your day" and my head's still swimming is annoying.

But here we are. Or I am. And I should really go glaze something now.