Anxiety through dreams

I am extremely tired today. In total I probably slept for about 9 hours, but how much of that was actually restful, I'm not sure.

I dream a lot. In fact sometimes I look forward to sleeping more for the dreams than for the sleep; I love dreams. They are completely fascinating to me and I'm more than a little frustrated when I can't remember them or wake up before I want to in one.

And I have occasionally realized some things that I didn't consciously realize because of dreams. I've realized some things I really want to do, discovered some fantasies I'd never really thought of before, and very often come to anxieties I don't even realize are getting to me. And then sometimes it's completely clear why I'm having the dream(s) I'm having and it's just my subconscious thinking about it just as much at night as I was consciously during the day.

For the twelve days I was on vacation, I promised myself that I wasn't going to worry. Not worrying about money, about wedding plans, about bills, about doctors, about conflicts, about work, etc. I just let it go; I needed a break. I couldn't do anything about them while I was in a completely different state. Plus, I wanted to have fun and relax. Take a serious break.

And I did - it was wonderful Every once in a while something would remind me of other things I had to take care of at home, but each time I took a breath and said, "Nope, not until next Tuesday, that's when you're allowed to figure it out; for now, let it go and have fun." And I did.

The problem, as could well be expected, is that next Tuesday has come. And with it, all those thought sort of creep back in. Yesterday I was feeling somewhat in a funk both over the end of vacation and many worry-ish thoughts coming back to me after the blissful break that was the previous twelve days. And last night, my dreams didn't give me much rest from them. I kept having these weird anxiety dreams, most of which having to do with money. In one I was hanging with friends texting on two Blackberries when I realized that for months I'd had _two_ phones, both of which I was paying for the internet charges on, for no reason at all! I spend several minutes trying to figure out how I could cancel one and get some of my money back and do it as soon as possible.

In another, my wedding was a week later and I still hadn't put down my venue deposit so they dropped me from their reservations and filled the spot with someone else. And since I didn't have a venue, the caterer cancelled on me, but wouldn't refund my money. And George and I were running through department store trying desperately to find clothing appropriate for the wedding while I was trying to make phone calls seeing how I could pull off an venue and caterer in seven days. My mother kept coming up to me telling me how she'd knew this was going to happen, but I never help her around the house anymore, so how would I know.

Later I dreamt that I'd fallen asleep on the Margaret Todd while we were in Maine and not gotten off with everyone else. I woke up in the middle of the water, I couldn't see land anywhere, and the one and only crew member said he didn't know how to get back to shore.

I had at least two separate anxiety dreams about work; studio being full of people when I got there to open up realizing I was two hours late; kilns wouldn't turn on when I had a camp group's pieces I needed by the next day.

Ridiculous.

And because of my hyperactive brain, I think the sleep I got did nothing to rest me but rather stress me out. Still, after some breakfast and some sunshine, I at least feel more awake. And I'm clearly going to need to start taking these issues and solving them one at a time to give my brain some real rest.