Our wedding ceremony. :)

DMG Wedding Ceremony

November 13, 2010 at 11AM

We are here to bear witness to the joining of this woman – and this woman – and this man in union to each other.

Marriage ceremonies have become the official proclamation for couples to express and share their love for each other in a public, visible setting. It is to illustrate plainly the depth of their hearts for each other, the spoken and implied vows of friendship and companionship, and mutual trust and security. And this union –while not a duo—is proof positive that good things come in threes.

In 2003, Michael, this dashing hunk of man right here, and Genevieve, this dark-haired vamp before me, made a crucial decision that would affect the
rest of their lives, and the surrounding lives of many. They decided to love more.

Danielle, my best friend and a saucy minx for all concerned, did not pose a threat to either side. She was not – despite literal logistics – The Other Woman. She found herself in a situation only a few of us can truly admit they have been in—and she herself made a decision that would affect her life forever. She decided to love more.

Since then, the love has continued to grow, and stood strong against fear, doubt, sickness, economics, allergies, impossible choreography, loss, insomnia, reality TV, bad movies, and indignity.

It is said “Love is not proud.” Respectfully: to hell with that. May we all be privileged enough to see in 2 eyes what I see in 6, and to know how much their journey has brought to them, and breathe deep and say “You know, I think it may all be worth it as long as I have these soldiers on my side.”

And it is clear by your invitation here, they appreciate the support, love, and care that you have held for them. Because they all know it’s not always easy. But I think it’s pretty likely it’s also worth it.

We here are among those who honor the commitment that time, practice, and deed has already shown is strong and deep, and know that a ceremony—a wedding ceremony—is justifiably celebrated.

I asked Michael, the Biblical scholar of the trio, to help me out here with a Biblical leaning on the subject of their wedding and he supplied me with the following. I am reading it exactly because Michael has a specific gift for words.

“Okay, so I’ve searched the Bible and found a staggering lack of positive statements about plural marriages, mostly because the Old Testament spends so little time saying anything good about marriage or wives. There are plenty of references to plural marriages, but they’re mostly found in laws about how to resolve disputes and settle wills. Romantic stuff, lemmetellya. There are no statements about it being okay or desirable, because the writers have no reason to think they _need_ to defend it. It’s treated matter-of-factly. The best I can do is suggest you talk _about_ the Bible, rather than quote it directly:

Abraham had Sarah and Hagar.
Jacob had Rachel and Leah and Bilhah and Zilpah.
Esau had five wives.
David had at least eight.
Gideon had so many wives, they bore him 70 sons.
According to the Book of Kings, Solomon ‘had seven hundred wives of noble
birth and three hundred concubines’.
So really, Michael is an underachiever.

THE RINGS

So there is no confusion, Michael and Genevieve pledged their union to each other in a separate ceremony. Danielle will be sharing rings with both Michael and Genevieve, using rings that were decided between them individually and symbolize the unique relationship she shares with both of them. In wearing both sets of rings, Danielle symbolizes her dedication to both Michael and Genevieve.

– May I have the rings to be shared between Danielle and Genevieve?

Danielle, with this ring, you vow to continue your commitment to Genevieve — to be a friend, confidante, a co-conspirator and to go forth with love in your heart. If you pledge, please say “I do.”

Genevieve, with this ring, you vow to continue your commitment to Danielle — to be a friend, confidante, a co-conspirator, and to go forth with love in your heart. If you pledge, please say “I do.”

– May I have the rings to be shared between Danielle and Michael?

Danielle, with this ring, you vow to continue your commitment to Michael — to be a friend, confidante, a co-conspirator and to go forth with love in your heart. If you pledge, please say “I do.”

Michael, with this ring, you vow to continue your commitment to Danielle—to
be a friend, confidante, a co-conspirator and to go forth with love in your heart.
If you pledge, please say “I do.”

FINAL WORDS

In conclusion, I would like to read an excerpt, paraphrased from a song called “Triad,” by Jefferson Airplane. From the gospel of Grace Slick—

“You all stand there, your long hair flowing
Eyes alive, your minds still growing.
I don’t really see why you can’t go on as three.
You love each other—it’s plain to see.
There’s just one answer that comes to me.
Live your lives together now, as three.”

Danielle, Michael, Genevieve. It is an honor to say Congratulations to you. You may now kiss… each other!

And now, friends and family, we enjoy delicious food and gracious company as we celebrate: The Stuebers.

Wedding planning, etc.

Well, wedding planning is going.

_Slowly_, but it's going. I'm hoping to work some more things out this weekend. I'll have George and Katie around and we've got an appointment with the caterer on Sunday. Everything that's paid for and decided all seems like very small in terms of details (besides the catering, but that's _not_ yet paid for), so I'm really hoping to have a better idea of how much it's going to be costing soon.

Then, I need to figure out where that money's coming from.

But it's moving along, and that helps me to feel much better overall.

I have been completely exhausted all this week though; I've not really exercised a stitch and it's already Friday. I'm going to try to lift some weights when I get home, but soon after we'll have some guests so I'm hoping to just chill and relax for the weekend, get back into a more full schedule next week.

Not much more to report than that, just wanted to get some thoughts down. Back to work.

Anxiety through dreams

I am extremely tired today. In total I probably slept for about 9 hours, but how much of that was actually restful, I'm not sure.

I dream a lot. In fact sometimes I look forward to sleeping more for the dreams than for the sleep; I love dreams. They are completely fascinating to me and I'm more than a little frustrated when I can't remember them or wake up before I want to in one.

And I have occasionally realized some things that I didn't consciously realize because of dreams. I've realized some things I really want to do, discovered some fantasies I'd never really thought of before, and very often come to anxieties I don't even realize are getting to me. And then sometimes it's completely clear why I'm having the dream(s) I'm having and it's just my subconscious thinking about it just as much at night as I was consciously during the day.

For the twelve days I was on vacation, I promised myself that I wasn't going to worry. Not worrying about money, about wedding plans, about bills, about doctors, about conflicts, about work, etc. I just let it go; I needed a break. I couldn't do anything about them while I was in a completely different state. Plus, I wanted to have fun and relax. Take a serious break.

And I did - it was wonderful Every once in a while something would remind me of other things I had to take care of at home, but each time I took a breath and said, "Nope, not until next Tuesday, that's when you're allowed to figure it out; for now, let it go and have fun." And I did.

The problem, as could well be expected, is that next Tuesday has come. And with it, all those thought sort of creep back in. Yesterday I was feeling somewhat in a funk both over the end of vacation and many worry-ish thoughts coming back to me after the blissful break that was the previous twelve days. And last night, my dreams didn't give me much rest from them. I kept having these weird anxiety dreams, most of which having to do with money. In one I was hanging with friends texting on two Blackberries when I realized that for months I'd had _two_ phones, both of which I was paying for the internet charges on, for no reason at all! I spend several minutes trying to figure out how I could cancel one and get some of my money back and do it as soon as possible.

In another, my wedding was a week later and I still hadn't put down my venue deposit so they dropped me from their reservations and filled the spot with someone else. And since I didn't have a venue, the caterer cancelled on me, but wouldn't refund my money. And George and I were running through department store trying desperately to find clothing appropriate for the wedding while I was trying to make phone calls seeing how I could pull off an venue and caterer in seven days. My mother kept coming up to me telling me how she'd knew this was going to happen, but I never help her around the house anymore, so how would I know.

Later I dreamt that I'd fallen asleep on the Margaret Todd while we were in Maine and not gotten off with everyone else. I woke up in the middle of the water, I couldn't see land anywhere, and the one and only crew member said he didn't know how to get back to shore.

I had at least two separate anxiety dreams about work; studio being full of people when I got there to open up realizing I was two hours late; kilns wouldn't turn on when I had a camp group's pieces I needed by the next day.

Ridiculous.

And because of my hyperactive brain, I think the sleep I got did nothing to rest me but rather stress me out. Still, after some breakfast and some sunshine, I at least feel more awake. And I'm clearly going to need to start taking these issues and solving them one at a time to give my brain some real rest.

Update on fitness

Well, I didn't do quite what I'd planned to try to do over vacation. My goal had been to try to keep up with some of the strength training exercises that didn't require any tools or equipment and also use the exercise rooms at the hotels for the nights we were there.

And I didn't.

But in fairness, it was a hopeful goal that I knew was unlikely to happen. We were very busy almost every day and we did a lot of walking and activity. Plus, it was vacation! Once in the spirit, you kind of stay there and don't feel nearly as motivated for routine.

Still, canoeing and kayaking helped to keep up my upper body strength and plenty of walking helped me feel less bad about all the delicious food we were eating.

But, now, to get back on track. Yesterday was our last day or rest before returning to work so I didn't exercise then, but tonight, I fully intend to get a workout in and then continue one per day for the week. This weekend we're hoping to organize some socialization, but we'll see what I can fit in around it. And, starting back next week, I will reset me goal for the rest of July and all of August: 5 full, intense workouts per week, while also trying to get something in (even something small) the other two days. Plus, we're hoping to lower portions further and introduce more and more vegetables into our diet.

And now, back to work.

Vacation wrap-up

Well, I'm back at work.

And I'm certainly feeling vacation-withdrawal. Not that I expect anyone on the face of the earth to feel sympathetic about that (except for possibly my fellow vacationers) - such a hardship, I know. But there it is. Since I've never really gone away like this before, I had no idea what to expect. Bottom line, as should have been expected, I wish I was still back in Maine. All vacation-type elements aside (like having every meal, all accommodations, and every activity paid for, constantly doing fun things, never having to do work of any kind...), I still wish I was back there. Without certain complications, I would move there in a heartbeat.

The air is cleaner. Everything felt fresh. It was cooler and calmer. People were nice all over (although by the end I was starting to crave the intense apathy New Jersey has to offer; 'No! I don't need any help! Three other people asked me already - just leave me alone to browse and when I need you I'll walk up to the counter and you can ignore me some more until you're good and ready; that's how this works!') There was water everywhere (which I'm surprisingly drawn to, considering my fears related to water). The mountains are gorgeous. Every day, whether it was raining, sunny, I got enough sleep or not, it just felt _better_. Just being there felt better. It's gorgeous and cleaner and less populated but still not completely isolated (unless you want to be). Definitely a way of life I could learn to love.

But it _is_ more complicated. First, it will take much time before we're ready to move and can afford it. I'd need a new job, and considering my need for carpooling, that always makes me anxious. Plus, I love my job. And my boss; I'm in a really good situation here. And if it wasn't for the fact we want to move to a less heavily populated, less liberal area, I would happily work here as long as we're open. I'm comfortable and treated well and have security - that really means a lot. And then there are friends. And family. Leaving all of that sort of takes the air out of my lungs. Take that out of the equation some how, like with the addition of a private plane or a mass exodus where I bring everyone I love with me, and my reservations would probably melt instantly.

But there you have it.

Anyway, nothing's decided, but we do need to figure out where we're going to raise our family and live our life. So that's on my mind a lot.

Well, that diverged quickly from the initial point of this post. Let's recap the last couple of vacation days. Saturday we got underway nice and early. After the sunrise we only sort of saw we came back, got our stuff together, packed, and in the car. We made some breakfast, made sure the place was nice and clean, and we were on the road by 9:00. We made a couple of stops on the way and took an extended break in Freeport. We walked around L. L. Bean one last time and had dinner again at Gritty's. Completely bookended vacation ftw!

Back on the road we headed to Sturbridge, Massachusetts where we had hotel rooms to stay the night. We got there in time to use the pool for a couple of hours so Genevieve and I got our suits on and spent the evening at the pool. Genevieve started teaching me how to swim and along with some pointers from Michael, I can now keep myself above water pretty consistently and even move around a bit. If only those rude, annoying children/parents weren't around, it would have been perfect. Took a soak in the hot tub for a few and then showered and crashed for the night.

Sunday we got going nice and early; we had breakfast in the hotel and were on the road by 10:00. We made some pit stops and hit some traffic, but even with stopping for lunch before parting ways, we were home by 3:00. I unpacked _some_ (mostly the food) of our stuff and otherwise vegged with Michael watching MST3K and The State while Genevieve sat with us and caught up on interneting after only having brief moments with my laptop over the course of the last week and a half. Slept a _lot_ Sunday night, and Monday morning was much like the night before; thoroughly relaxing and enjoyable. Plus, I achieved unpacking everything of mine _except_ my clothes (which may sound like not an accomplishment, but it _is_).

Then for the late afternoon and evening we picked George up, had dinner, did some shopping, and played Simpsons Clue. Excellent cap on the almost-two-week vacation.

And as I said, now I'm back at work. Luckily, I love my job, so it wasn't much of a hardship. Still, I'd rather be home watching nerdy TV or back on Cadillac Mountain staring at all the stars I've never seen before, breathing in the fresh air. I fell in love with the south every time we went, being surprised at how much I love it there. But going to Maine felt like home. And that's been incredibly scary to me.

Today I'm working on employee profiles, getting ready for individual evaluations, and it's harder than I thought. So I should get back, just needed a break and wanted to get some thoughts down.

Sunrise fail

We completely failed at sunrise.

By the time we got to the mountain, it was practically daylight. We did get to the top just as the sun was actually starting to be in view, but we were somewhat remiss in accounting for the time _before_ the sun is actually visible, which we also wanted to see.

So, next time, we will get up at midnight after a long afternoon "nap", take our time getting ready, pack a picnic breakfast with many thermos' of coffee, and get there very early (probably with many blankets and sweaters) and watch the whole thing.

Still, driving up Cadillac Mountain while the sun was rising was _gorgeous_ to say the least. And it was a very pretty view on the top.

Of course, there were about 70 jerks up there already by the time we arrived ::shakes fists::

Anyway, we're now all packed and getting ready to load up the car. Then we'll have some breakfast and be on our way before 10:00.

Quick note

I am awake; it is 4:19 am.

We're on our way out to see the sunrise at Cadillac Mountain; we'll be the first in the country to see it (with the possible exception of any other jerks _also_ there to see the sunrise).

It's going to be gorgeous and an excellent way to cap our trip.

I am so fucking tired, though. ;)

Maine Trip Volume 06

So, I just got back from our second trip on the lake, this time kayaking.
I
Michael and I got a tandem kayak and Genevieve got a single again. We had _lots_ of fun, but it was actually much harder to steer and maneuver than the canoe. It seemed pretty clear after a while that kayaks really aren't made for two people, even the ones made for two people. We spent the first two hours getting almost to the other side of the lake and back, and by then, our arms were exhausted. So we pulled up to the dock, Michael got out first, and then I attempted to get out and instead decided to test the life jackets. They work. I cut up my arm and fingers a little bit but otherwise really just got wet and a little anxious.

Genevieve swam for a bit while Michael tried out the single kayak. I took off my shorts (I was wearing just them and my bathing suit) and tried to dry off a bit while I watched them. By the time Michael got back, they were both trying to convince me to give the single kayak a try. So, I very anxiously got in and rode around a bit. I can completely see how the single kayak is _much_ easier than the tandem kayak _or_ canoe. By then my arms were pretty tired so I only spent about ten minutes out myself before very slowly making my way out of the kayak with both Genevieve's _and_ Michael's help pretty much on the ground.

Still, even with my unexpected dip and achy arms, I had a blast. We already want to get three single kayaks and a canoe. Also a sailboat (with a motor, just in case - I will not be pleased stuck out on a lack or at sea with no wind to carry us back!). I really hope we can find somewhere to do this over the summer.

And with that, Michael's mom should be home soon with some Chinese food and we can toast our last night in Maine.

Maine Trip Volume 05

Well, we're here on our last day of our Maine vacation and every day it's felt like it was time to leave, but we still had so much time to go. We're so used to weekend vacations, this week and a half has seemed unbelievable. And even now that we're getting ready to leave tomorrow, I still can't believe we're here and all the wonderful things we've gotten to do.

Yesterday morning was another early day. At 8:30 we went out on the local lake, Michael and I on a canoe and Genevieve on a kayak. I was nervous getting into the canoe, and the first 15 minutes or so would get pretty panicky whenever the boat rocked from side to side. But after we got the hang of steering, I was pretty okay. By the end I _loved_ it. I would have stayed out all day if my legs and butt weren't achy from the uncomfortable seats (excellent upper body workout, though!). We made it all the way to the opposite side of the lake (about a mile) and back. And our way there we did so much zig zagging we probably added another half mile to the trip. It was _gorgeous_. The morning was slightly overcast for the first half and the sun came out for the second half. It was perfect. At times we were the only people in the lake. So peaceful.

Afterwards we came back to the house and made a delicious lunch - hot dogs, baked beans, chips, and sugar snap peas (which I've grown to like). We relaxed a bit after cleaning up and then headed out for another Bar Harbor trip. Genevieve and I browsed around for a few things and then we hung around the harbor area until our mini-sunset cruise on the Margaret Todd. It was breathtaking. We took a leisurely sail around the harbor and some of the islands. We saw many seals and the water was calm and crisp. There was a folk musician doing folk rock songs from the seventies the whole time we were there (significantly better than the pop versions of sea shanties we heard on the whale watch) which was very pleasant.

The cruise was about an hour and a half long, and I'm happy to report that my sea sickness must be due specifically to the harsh waves and speed of the whale watch boat, and I was not at all bothered while canoeing or on the Margaret Todd.

After the cruise (which ended really before the sun had set, but it was still beautiful) we went to dinner at Testa's, a restaurant that's a tradition for Michael's family when they get here. Well, this has, again, topped the best meal of the trip. We sat on the upper level facing out to view the street all lit up at night. They were having a special which was a cup of clam chowder, olive tapenade (which is _amazing_), rolls, salad with their vinaigrette dressing, steamed lobster with vegetable, and blueberry pie for dessert. Well! It was _incredible_. We also got fried blue cheese with a spicy sauce seasoning as an appetizer. I had never had a lobster before. I've eaten lobster; in fact I've been having it at least once a day since hitting Maine, but I've never eaten a whole steamed lobster before. They give you a bib, tools for ripping it apart, and a bowl to put carcass parts in. I wasn't going to get it and was going to instead get the "Lazy Man's Lobster" which is the same, just the meat's taken out of the lobster for you. See, Michael is completely creeped out by sea bugs (understandably), and I try not to put him through watching me eat them. But, as he reminded me, we're in Maine and it's the best place for it. And he told us that while here, he'd happily deal with whatever sea-things we decided to have. So I did.

Yes, there are pictures. And yes, it was so much fun! I got every bit of meat out that I could. The chowder was the best I've ever had. And the tapenade was so good! Michael's mom got us some to take home. The salad was completely enjoyable; I even ate all my veggies. And after spending an hour ripping apart my sea bug dinner, the blueberry pie came out with a scoop of vanilla ice cream (which I shared with Michael). Now, I'm not a _huge_ fan of blueberries. I like them just fine, but they're not an OMG! thing for me. However this pie could turn that around in a heartbeat for me. The crust was perfect, the blueberries more delicious than I've ever had, and the ice cream complimented perfectly. As satisfying a meal as I've ever had.

We took one last walk towards the car on the harbor and then headed back to the house. I took a nice long shower and promptly fell asleep.

This morning we slept in a bit, had a leisurely morning, and then headed out to Jordan's Pond for one more popover excursion. Genevieve and I got crab cakes and lobster quiche to share along we our popovers. (Has anyone else noticed how much I talk about the food? It's not _all_ about the food, it's just been so good it's hard not to describe that so much! Much of the rest is a lot of walking and views and nature, which looses something when it's not seen.) We also shared a pot of hot tea since it was nice and cool on the lake. And to end, we got popovers filled with ice cream to share. Hold crap. It was a nice long meal and the view was, again, gorgeous.

We did a bit more shopping and hanging around in that gift shop and in Bar Harbor and then headed back to the house. On our way, we decided to make reservations to do an evening kayak since we had so much fun yesterday. So, any minute I'm going to be heading out. Michael and I will be sharing a double kayak (instead of a canoe) and Genevieve will be on her own again (which she seems to prefer - she's much better at it anyway). We'll be doing that for about three hours and then come home for dinner and hopefully getting to bed early. Our current plan is to get up to see the sunrise on Cadillac Mountain. We'll be the first ones in the country to see it and that will be around 5:00. Then it'll be time to gather our stuff and we'll be heading back south around 10:00. We've got some stops we'd like to make on the way and we'll be staying overnight in Massachusetts and making the rest of the trip on Sunday.

I have had a fantastic time here. I'm sad to leave, but I can't say it hasn't been completely perfect. I think we all needed it and nothing could have been better.

Now, off to kayaking!

Maine Trip Volume 04

Well, posting every day sort of fell apart, we've been so busy!

So let's see, where did we leave off...

Sunday
Sunday we basically were touring around so we could start getting an idea of what we wanted to do. We drove up Cadillac Mountain to the top and walked around a bit. Simply amazing view. I could have sat there looking at the islands and mountains for hours. We drove past Jordan Pond, took a stop in at Thunder Hole (where we would return to later), took a spin around the park, and then headed to Bar Harbor. We spent the majority of our day in Bar Harbor shopping. We stopped at lots of cute local shops and ended our trip at a cute little Mexican restaurant where I had an awesome quesadilla.

It was a great way to be introduced to the area. We spent the evening starting to talk about what we were going to do for the rest of the week, starting with Monday, which was to be rainy.

Monday
Since it was all rainy and crummy in this area, after breakfast we went to the Big Chicken Barn. We spent almost three hours browsing first on the antiques floor and then on the gigantic floor of books. I found a couple of _beautiful_ pairs of gloves that I picked up. I expected not to find any books. And I didn't, on almost the entire floor. Except that Michael pointed out a huge case of Agatha Christie novels, all of which were half their cover price (minimum $1). Why minimum $1? Well, because most of the cover prices were between $0.95 and $1.95. So I got 13 books for $13. I also picked up Ted, a children's book illustrated by my favorite artist Tony DiTerlizzi. I collect as much of his stuff as I can.

While Genevieve could have probably spent the day, around 2:30 we headed out to find some food. We went to a restaurant called Jaspers. It's a mostly seafood restaurant, but they had lots of food Michael liked. We had these amazing pulled pork nachos and I had shrimp and clams. We stopped at a local supermarket to grab some snacks for home and then spent the rest of the night vegging at the house watching PBS Agatha Christie mysteries.

Tuesday
Tuesday morning we went to Thunder Hole, properly this time, and we watched the waves for a while. Afterwards we stopped for an early lunch at Jordan Pond (certainly my favorite meal as of now). It is the quintessential Maine experience. You are seated right on the lake outside. They bring your hot popovers. I had fresh lemonade. Genevieve and I both had lobster stew. We started with a backed brie in phyllo dough which came with crackers and grapes. Yum. And we sat watching the lake and view. Amazing!

We took a nice stroll around the lake and through parts of the forest in the area and then took a look through the gift shop. We then stopped in at a lighthouse area where we were able to climb around rocks on the water and get some incredible views. It was still very foggy from the rain the day before so you could only see out so far. Really creepy but also pretty. We drove around Southeast Harbor afterwards, stopping in at a local bakery to get local pizza. _So_ good! The rest of the evening we spent at the house relax and got to sleep relatively early, preparing to watch whales in the morning.

Wednesday
Wednesday morning we got up bright and early, had a quick breakfast, and boarded the Whale Watch boat at 7:45 and left the dock at 8:30. From about 8:30 - 10:30 it was _gorgeous_. We left the bay, got to see all the surrounding islands, we went at top speeds to the puffin island where we say puffins and other sea birds. Genevieve got us a spot right at the top front of the boat next to the naturalist that was narrating the tour. Then while on our way to the first spot they check for whales we saw a North American Right Whale. There are about 350-400 of these whales left, according to the naturalist. They expect to see one once a year _maybe_ and this particular naturalist hadn't seen one in three years. She was so excited. We got to see her reaction as she talked to the other researchers and naturalists trying to determine if that's what we were seeing. We stayed watching it for half an hour. It was incredibly active so we got to see it's belly and fins, It flapped its tail at us several times. Completely awesome. After that we went a little further and Michael and I ended up spending much of the rest of the trip (about an hour and a half) down in the galley from sea-sickness.

We're pretty sure it has to do with the high speeds and intense waves. But overall it was still a lovely trip. We saw a couple of Minke's and Finback's before turning back. I was able to watch us dock and _very_ glad to get back to solid ground. Afterwards we took a refreshing walk to Jordan's (a local breakfast/lunch restaurant famous for blueberry pancakes). Genevieve and I both got the _amazing_ lobster roll and slam chowder lunch special and Michael got _amazing_ pancakes. After walking back to the car, I promptly fell fast asleep and noticed only when we were pulling back up to the house. The whale watch _completely_ drained us! We all took about a three hours nap from 2:00-5:00. I haven't napped in so long! It was very nice though. All the windows were open so there was a nice breeze, I could hear the wind and lake from the window behind me. It was _lovely_.

After finally getting moving all of us contributed to making a spectacular dinner. Michael grilled up some steaks, asparagus, and jalapeños (those were for me :D). I made a big batch of popovers, and Michael's mom made some potatoes and a batch of mushrooms. It was _delicious. After dinner we all went back out to watch the sunset from Cadillac Mountain. It was so pretty. Freezing with the wind, but beautiful.

We all slept very well last night, even after a three hour nap. Fresh air really knocks you out!

Hopefully I'll keep up on the updating later tonight.

Maine Trip, Volume 03

June 26th, 11:21.

I am currently writing this entry at the cabin in the middle of the gorgeous woods where I'll be living for the next week. I am also writing this as a word document on my laptop as I've yet to be able to get online, so I'll be posting updates as I can, when I get back home (or the hotel on next Saturday) if necessary.

We spent the better part of the day hanging out in Freeport and Portland. We got breakfast at the hotel before checking out and were out and about a little after ten (probably the earliest we've ever checked out of a hotel). We stopped in first at a local shop that had mostly knives and household items (lots of kitchen/cookware and every kitchen knife you can imagine – a great selection of swiss army knives, too). The gentleman who was running the shop was incredibly friendly (as has every single person we've dealt with since getting to Maine) and we hung out there for quite a while, all of us ultimately supporting his business.

Next we went to a local potter (there are _so_ many potters in Maine!) and found some great stuff there, too. Again, the clerk was very nice and we had a nice time chatting with her about the area and New Jersey for a while. Afterwards we decided we wanted to go back to Portland for a bit and hit he Cabela's we'd passed on our way to Freeport. But first, we decided to get McLobsters.

Well, we didn't. They didn't have them. However, there is still hope. Michael's mom mentioned a McDonald's that she saw advertising them on her way in last week, so perhaps on the way back next weekend we just might get lucky. Details as events unfold.

Disappointed in the Freeport McDonald's we started heading for Portland. The GPS had the completely wrong idea of where Cabela's was, but after doing some quick Blackberry searching, we helped it out and we made our way to Cabela's.

It was somewhat smaller and less interesting than the one we went to in Pennsylvania, but still nice to walk around in. And in the connecting lot there was some kind of dog event going on. Lots of tents were set up selling dog accessories, treats, and accepting donations for various important pup causes. They were also holding a contest while we were there. They had a huge pool set up and trainers would lead their dogs to the edge of the pool, throw a toy and the dogs would leap in after it and then paddle back to the ramp. They were judging based on distance and it was completely fucking adorable.

We also stopped in at an awesome Thai restaurant while we were there. I had a dish that was new to me and completely satisfying and delicious. Thai iced teas all around (always amazing) to top it off. We started to hear towards Bar Harbor after that (we wanted to get to the cabin and Michael's mom before dusk) and stopped in* at a gigantic Whole Foods that had _way_ too much delicious looking food and wine. That was our last stop in the Portland area. Portland in generally was very charming, though, and given the time and right circumstances, it would be a lovely place to walk around for a day or two.

After grabbing a couple of things we finally really started heading to Bar Harbor. The only other time we stopped was to stretch our legs a bit and we arrived here at the cabin at around 7:00. After moving our luggage inside (you'd think we were going to be here for half a year) we chatted with Michael's mom and then went to dinner. I had an _amazing_ lobster quesadilla and their salad bar (which included steamed mussels – also good!) and helped Michael a little through his massive barbecue plate (which he probably took 2/3 of home).

We took a drive around downtown Bar Harbor to get an idea of the area. In the morning we'll be working out a basic plan for the week and probably will be out for most of the day afterwards. I've squared away my stuff so it's accessible but not in the way and took a blissfully cool shower. It's about 10-15 degrees cooler here at least than in New Jersey and with all the windows open and the fan going it's feeling pretty divine. Outside here is also pretty fucking gorgeous, especially at night. So many stars and the moon is breathtaking. We're pretty sure we heard some moose when we got back and frogs (or are they toads) are of the plenty.

I think I'll be turning in soon; I have a feeling we'll be having some early-ish mornings and, quite frankly, I don't want to waste the days by sleeping in anyway. So, time to fall asleep to the sound of frogs and fans.

*Incidentally, take note of how many times in the course of our long trips I say the phrase “stopped at” or “stopped in” or just simply “stopped” and you'll soon realize why 4-6 hour trips can take 12-15 hours for us.

(There is no wi-fi as previously thought, so I'll be updating whenever it's convenient for me to plug into the kitchen wall jack.)

Maine Trip, Volume 02

We actually arrived in Maine at around 6:00, got all checked into the hotel, and by that time we were all _starving_. So, after settling in a bit, we went back out to find some food. On the way we had passed a local brewery/pub called Gritty's, and we ultimately decided to go there.

Well, I could not have had a better first meal in Maine. I got their lobster mac and cheese topped with pan fried cornbread and fried jalapeños (which completely rival fried pickles). They had Ménage à Trois Red (my current favorite red wine) of which I had a glass, I sampled two beers, and got a Green Monkey for dessert (Midori, Malibu Banana Run, and pineapple juice - yum!) It was completely satisfying.

After dinner we decided to bump our L. L. Bean trip up early since we wanted to walk around a bit, but the center of Freeport apparently mostly shuts down by 8:00 (at least before tourist season). Well, two hours later we'd walked off the fullness from food, all done some shopping, and I walked away with a cute new shirt, two pairs of socks, an awesome new bathing suit (on sale!), and a souvenir from Michael (picture will follow).

Now we're back at the hotel, showered, and about to call it a night. It's been a long but completely awesome day. We're hoping to catch breakfast early in the morning and then walk around in Freeport before heading for Bar Harbor so getting to sleep now will give us plenty of time. If we get up early, I may try out my new bathing suit or catch a quick workout (they have a really nice fitness center in the hotel).

Unfortunately, as tired as I am, I'm also completely wired. It's not exactly like a second wind, but I just don't feel like I could fall asleep yet. So I'll probably catch up on reading my blogs, poke around online a bit, and then read before falling asleep.

More to come...

Maine Trip, Volume 01

It is now 3:27pm on Friday, June 25th. (Or it was when I wrote this.)

I'm writing this in the back of the RAV in the middle of our trip to Maine. We changed our leave time this morning to 8:30 instead of 6:30. This was due in great part to the ridiculous times Genevieve and I got out of work. Both for good reasons, though.

Last night Pauline held a party for some of her friends, doing something for herself for one of the first times since I've known her. So she asked me to help her run it (of course). The event was supposed to be 7:00-10:00 (we normally close at 9:00), but it was relatively casual, all with very chatty and friendly women, and so once the painting began after mingling, it was pretty late. It was actually very fun, just tiring. I left close to 11:30, but was satisfying and Pauline was very appreciative.

Anyway, when Michael and I got home, we packed up some last minute things, I prepared the rest of the snacks for today, and I took a shower and relaxed a bit with Michael waiting for Genevieve to get home. She was detained even longer than I; she left work around 1:00am after helping to finish up a bunch of video editing. Michael and I stayed up long enough to kiss her goodnight, and then at some point I fell into bed, waking up 15 minutes before my reset 8:00 alarm.

We actually left the apartment at around 8:50, only 20 minutes later than our leave time (this is why I _always_ want to plan for seriously early leaving; we notoriously take longer to do everything, generally make a lot of stops on a trip, and therefore always get places massively later than any of us want to). After doing all the errands we needed to (banks, post office, breakfast), we finally got onto the road at about 10:00. And we've been driving pretty much ever since. We kit a horrible wall of traffic in Connecticut that spanned about ¾ of a mile and lasted for almost an hour. It was essentially a parking lot.

I think the best part was when the woman in flowy robes walked past our car (in the middle lane of a major highway) and got ahead enough that I lost track of her. Other people were getting our of their cars, a motorcyclist and meat delivery man had a lively and friendly looking conversation across three lanes of traffic, several assholes in vans (including an on-the-clock Comcast employee) rode the shoulder shoving their way past the rest of us, and we played with Michael's new Flip cam and listened to horrible new Meatloaf music in an attempt to make the time go faster.

Other than that the ride's been pretty clear. That is to say until about ten minutes ago when we hit yet another nit of traffic. But now we're in Massachusetts, and it's more expected. And at least we're _moving_. We're just not going as quickly as we'd like.

Still our projected arrival time is before 5:30. We're hoping to stop very little before then, get all checked into the hotel, and then find some interesting spots in Freeport. So far we plan to visit the desert in the middle of Maine, L. L. Bean at midnight, and at some point (either today or tomorrow) have McLobster (at least Genevieve and I). We will also likely have some real food (hopefully local) at some point for dinner. My snacks are awesome but not a meal.

So, that's our trip thus far. Michael's making short video updates as well so this is looking to be our best-documented trip yet! I am especially fond of the gift I bought myself for the trip; the AC adapter that's allowing me to use/charge my laptop right now. It's _awesome_​. With it I can have plugged in my laptop with an AC cord, my DS with the USB cord, and Genevieve's GPS with the car port, all built into the same adapter. I think it's brilliant and wonderful.

That's all for now; I'll post this when I get to an internet connection and add more when we've made more headway.

So, here where I work, we're located in a shopping mall.

And in that shopping mall there's... well, not much. It used to be flush with stores. When I first started working here there was one vacancy (an education assistance place that had gone out of business). But little by little, almost all of the stores have gone. The biggest trouble was Ragshop closing up all their stores. That was our anchor store. And when we no longer had an anchor stores, other places started suffering. We lost a big ice cream parlor and Marty's Shoes, the other two largest stores in the building, basically cementing a lack of desire for anyone to move in.

Luckily, by the time this started happening, we were at least three years established. And over the years, we've done a lot of outside events, outreach programs, school programs, etc. All of which gets us decent exposure and all of which was enough to get us through last year's particularly bad financial situation and come back ahead of the game. And this year we're doing even better. We have been very lucky.

Other businesses here, however, have not. I counted a month or so ago, after Dark Tower had finally moved out, and we had about 11 stores left. The diner in our lot, Midori (Japanese Restaurant), a nail salon, a hair salon, a dress place that never seemed to have any customers and had some very specifically designed dresses, a tiling business, a custom sign business, a dry cleaners, a pizzeria (Saporito), a completely useless Verizon store (best I can figure they're only connected to Fios and no other Verizon service; they are paid every day to sit and watch Spanish soap operas and look lost and horrified every time someone walks in asking anything - fortunately for them, that's not much of an issue), and us.

Well, soon after that I noticed the dress place was gone. Then the sign guys had trucks out in the back for a couple of days. The week after they were gone.

It's beyond depressing at this point. The management doesn't want to renovate or update the place until an anchor store signs with them and an anchor store doesn't want to sign a contract to move in until the place is updated. The management would like us to be fooled by their constant implication that they are, in fact, going to renovate anyway! Because, as any smart business owner would when owning a large shopping center that will hopefully last a long time, there would have been money saved and set aside sometime between 1985, when the place was built, and now to _do_ said renovations. Because, buildings, not the mention styles, don't last forever... So, of course they'll renovate. Totally.

Well, they're fucking liars.

There hasn't been a lick of renovation all spring and we've not crossed into summer. I see still no signs of renovating. There are signs. Oh! Are there signs! Front, side. Signs proclaiming the wonderful things to come.

Nothing.

And, shockingly, there's not going to be a surplus of money to do renovations with the lack of income coming in from the lack of stores. And no one wants to move in here when there's no prospect of walk-in business. And we'll have no additional such prospect without some more goddamn businesses.

Now, again, we're truly doing okay. Pauline and I have put a lot of work into making sure we keep our regulars and reach out to get even more loyal customers. I cut corners where I can while cultivating loyal and solid employees. It works.

But this week I'm pretty sure we lost one of the most important businesses left.

See, on Tuesday I was chatting with some customers who casually asked is Saporito was back open. Confused, I clarified and it turned out that on Monday they were closed the latter half of the day with a sign on their door explaining their oven had broken and they would reopen as soon as it was serviced. So these customers wanted to order pizza today instead and could I please call and see if they were reopened? Well, of course! Now I'm curious! And ya know? A slice of pizza sounds really good.

No answer.

Doors locked.

Lights out.

Okay, obviously the pizza-oven-repairman was busy on Monday and Tuesday.

Well, today Julianne was here working with me and asked if I minded her going to get a slice of pizza for lunch and if I wanted anything. So I told her the mini-crisis they'd had and suggested she call to check.

Still no answer.

So she took a walk over.

Doors locked.

Lights out.

Tables gone.

And so that's where we are. Maybe they're taking this time to re-wax the floors or something while they wait for the oven to be fixed or replaced. Maybe they're replacing the old tables with newer, nicer ones. Maybe a burglar came in during this quick break in business and stole all the tables and chairs!

And maybe when I come in tomorrow Ragshop will be back open.

There's no sign, no message on their machine, but there's also no pizza.

This presents two problems to us. The first of which is the _very_little_ walk-in business we get because people stopped in for pizza and noticed us on the way. But the bigger issue is our birthday parties. While the majority of parties choose to provide their own food, they _always_ order from Saporito. It's convenient, they pay for the pizza ahead of time, and the boys there bring it on over at the exact time it's needed. Now where will we get the pizza?

Honestly, I have no idea. Maybe we'll need to work with the diner and different food? Maybe a delivery place will be flexible and reliable enough (although I'd hate to have to trust that _every_ time, sometimes 3-4 times a day). But I am now, officially, worried. Summer brings with it few to no parties so hopefully by the fall when things pick up in that area, we'll have something good worked out. (Although what I truly hope that what actually happens is that either they're not closed or miraculously another pizza place takes their place.) :/

Sexy sex-bloggers.

I love me some sex-bloggers. From the downright dirty, to the informative, to the casual blogger who talks about sex a lot. There is an annual Top 100 Sex Bloggers List (this will be the third year) that's currently looking for nominations. You have to semi-register for the site, but I think it's worth it.

I just nominated my favorite two sex bloggers and encourage anyone who's inclined to do the same:

Quizzical Pussy:
Michael linked me to her and she's absolutely charming and wonderful. Her enjoyment of sex is incredibly hot, very cute, and makes me want to hang out with her in some very girly ways and talk about dirty things all night. And my favorite part of her blog is her weekly sex-confessions post on Tuesdays. It's an anonymous form where she collects the confessions of random readers of her blog (and occasionally posts some herself; she always seems to end up admitting it, too) and posts them weekly. I love it. It's often horrible, tragic, sad, funny, or incredibly hot and that makes it deliciously wonderful to read.

Adrian Colesberry
I first head about Adrian Colesberry last summer or fall when Michael brought home a copy of his book How to Make Love to Adrian Colesberry. It's a hysterical and addictive autobiography of his relationships up until now (or rather up until about two years ago) written in the form of a how-to guide when it comes to fucking Adrian Colesberry. Sadly, I determined that we're incompatible in certain fairly important areas, but I'm certain we have enough in common to make a weekend of it. Anyway, I loved the book so much I bought a copy for many of my good friends as Christmas gifts and soon after started reading his blog (which Michael also linked me to).

By then he was actually fairly familiar with Michael who had commented many times on Adrian Colesberry's posts. He and I exchanged a little correspondence via Facebook (on which we are "friends" which I love more than is particularly healthy for me) and I now religiously read his blog. He posts a lot of controversial material, studies, and political information about sex and relationships. I've loved every one of his posts. It helps that his opinions and mine sync up nicely, but I think most people I know would love to read his work.

I'm not sure if multiple nominations actually help or not, but certainly when it comes voting time I will solicit for people to side with me because I'm certain I'm right. (Although reading further, it's possible you need to sign up as a judge to have a say... I'm not sure if it's at all going to be a public vote. :/ We'll see.)

Either way, I hope both of them end up on the Top 100 List for this year. They deserve it and as Quizzical Pussy pointed out, it'll be great for bragging rights.

Maine's coming, did you bring your coat?

And on the topic of Maine, only three more days of work and then we head out! This week is packed with work for me, but I'm hoping that encourages it to go faster. Yesterday I came in for half a day to get the kiln room taken care of (which was good because even so I have much to catch up on today... yes I know I'm writing a blog post instead; even I need to take breaks sometimes). Today and tomorrow are both 9-10 hour days. And Thursday's going to be a 12 1/2 - 13 hour day which I'll be powering through (full day of work, corporate team building event, Ladies' Night, and a private party for Pauline's friends). All in all, it'll be tough, but at least with our trip moved up a day, I'll have that to look forward to to get me through. I may even treat myself to a bit of sushi (which always helps me get through the tough days).

Tonight and tomorrow night are also my packing nights. By the time I go to sleep Wednesday night, everything but my pillow (and snacks) will be ready to go to Maine. That way on Thursday night when I crawl into the apartment after my long day, I can shower and get six or so hours of sleep before we're off to Maine (if I'm super motivated and really get to bed early enough, there's a chance I'll get up at 5:00 to workout before we leave... we'll see). So far the plan is to get up at 6:00, dressed, and out the door at 6:30.

The drive is somewhere around 7 hours to get to Freeport (where we're staying on Friday night). We tend to stop (a lot) on our trips, thus the early leave time. Hopefully we'll get into Freeport early evening and get to see some of the city. We're already planning on a midnight trip to the L. L. Bean flagship store. (Did you know the Freeport L. L. Bean Flagship Store is open 24 hours?) At some point I will try a McLobster and Moxie (hopefully at the same time). Oh yes, I intend to get the full Maine experience.

There's no cell reception in the house we're staying in. This is something that thrills Genevieve and Michael but is a little less than thrilling for me. I am far too used to being connected to pretty much everyone I know and everywhere/thing I need via my phone, so not being able to get every-thirty-second updates on what's happening in facebook land and such will be an adjustment. But one I'm sure I'll quite enjoy. I will have internet access so I'll be posting (I hope) daily updates on our trip here and responding to emails when I can. (Oh, and, of course, daily checking the Woot! Shirt of the day; I do not apologize for a second for ruining your life with that link. I will pleasantly _not_ be available for _any_ work-related anything. And _that_ is a very pleasing thought.

All in all, I'm super excited about this trip. I've never been on a vacation like this. As a kid, we did lots of day trips, but never a full out vacation. And money was always tight so we almost always avoided staying over anywhere if we could. That's not to say my parents didn't do what they could; they did. And we were never needing and rarely wanting for anything. It's just a particular thing we never did.

As an adult, I've done plenty of weekend trips and a couple of extended road trips. We did take a week to go to Memphis when Genevieve's sister lived there, but half of that was driving and finding the cheapest hotels we could; über fun, don't get me wrong, but not the same kind of "vacation" - different kind of fun. Anyway, this is my first real vacation like this (and I couldn't be more grateful to Michael's mom for having us). We've known about it for the better part of the last year and having it so close is almost difficult to grasp. It's always just been this awesome thing that's far away and we have to look forward to. To actually be gearing up to go is pretty extraordinary.

Workout update.

Speaking of workouts, week three of my goal for the month went significantly better than week two. Monday I did weights + ab tape, Tuesday was tough aerobics with light weights, Wednesday was rehearsal which stood in for a workout (although I do wish I'd done both), Thursday was heavy weights and heavy aerobics, Friday was an intense rehearsal with George that certainly counted as aerobics, and Saturday was medium weights/aerobics. I was perfectly satisfied.

As for this week, Sunday I did a fast paced aerobics with weights workout to start off the week well and did a show that night which also sweated off a few pounds. Yesterday I ended up not working out, but I do think what I did in the evening was much more important to my overall health, so I'm going to go easy on myself for that.

However, since we're leaving now on Friday morning for Maine, I must make Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday count. So I'll be working out tonight, tomorrow morning, and Thursday morning. I'm even hoping to use the exercise room at our hotel on Friday. And hopefully we'll be doing much hiking/canoeing/etc. (or at least much walking around) each day we're in Maine. I'll have to see what strength training I can get in while we're there because I'm starting to see and feel the definition in my arms, and I don't really want to let it go for a whole week and a half if I don't have to.

And that's it for my workout-update. :)

Much better.

I feel better today.

I ended up spending the evening at home with Michael and we soon fell into a very comfortable place, the same one I'm used to. I took care of him a little, we watched lots of Red Dwarf and a truly awesome episode of MST3K, had some delicious cake, and both felt much better afterwards. I even ended up being surprisingly productive at work even with all the time I spent not being motivated.

Now I'm back in a much more manageable level of anxiety with even more work to do to keep me busy. Still, I'd like it to be time to go home now even though that's still 6 1/2 hours away. I'm impatient to get my workout in today and relax with tacos and wine for dinner.

I < 3 Penn Jillette.

SayUncle, a gun blogger I read, posted this today and I had to share:

"Once again, Penn Jillette:

'When I disagree with Obama, people always say, “Well, you’re a big Bush guy then.” And I’m like no, I didn’t like Bush either. I disagree with Bush and Obama on all the stuff they agree on, which is pretty much everything. They both want to kill people, they both want the government to be bigger, and they both want less freedom for individuals.'"

So far, he's one of those I'm-in-love-with-him celebrities who's never let me down; pretty much everything I hear about him or from him makes me love him even more. ::swoon::

Motivation, or the lack of same.

I'm a bit out of my element today.

Normally when I'm upset about something or stressed about certain aspects of my life, especially the more intense the feeling, I have this drive to _do_ things. Case in point, last week, after working for 11 hours on Thursday, I got a bit upset over something small, and it felt like a much bigger deal than it was after a long, very busy, tiring day at work, and I had no idea how to make it better. So when I got home at 9:45, knowing I needed to be up at 5:45, I got productive.

I packed up a huge shipment of books, managed my Amazon store, caught up on all my blogs, wrote some emails I'd been meaning to for ages, paid some bills, did an intense and satisfying workout, took a long shower, washed all the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, and prepped some lunch to bring to work the following day.

By 12:30, I finally went to bed. And basically tossed and turned, exhausted but full of energy at the same time, and didn't really fall asleep until a couple of hours later.

Today I'm feeling a little cracked. Nothing big specifically going on. But I'm feeling the overwhelming pressure from various things sort of taking me over today. I've been holding on to certain things and doing so much lately and not really letting it out. And today, I'm feeling that pressure and I'm not holding together so well. Not much I can do about it, really. I'm working until at least 4:00, probably. Not sure exactly what I need, but I'm fairly certain under these specific circumstances I can't get it (right now, anyway).

And the worst part is the way my mind is dealing with it today. I would kill for that satisfying motivation that usually comes with sadness, anger, or aggravation (for me). I would love to have the energy and fire to blitz through all the work I have here, get ahead of the week, and then possibly even get some projects going for the summer.

But instead I'm sitting here writing this and even this is difficult for me to focus on. I'm completely uncoordinated. I know what needs to be done, but I'm having a hard time focusing on what order I should do it in and a hard time focusing on _doing_ it. My mind's too distracted and I'm ending up out of control of it's effect

... ... ...

My father disappointed me, again, today. I don't know how much was genuine and wasn't. I know he was supposed to work late. I know he said he'd try to get out early. I know he seemed to mean it and really miss me. I know he spent over half an hour keeping me on the phone every time I gave him and easy out of the conversation seeming to really want to talk to me. But I trust him less than not at all. And now that he's not free, I find myself not believing for a second that he was ever going to try. That he cared about a thing I told him.

I don't know if that's fair. And honestly, it isn't a surprise even if it is fair. My mother will tell me during the better moments she has concerning my dad that he cries to her sometimes about losing me and Chris. That he feels like he's lost the one (well, two) good thing(s) he's ever done and doesn't know how to make it right.

I wish she _wouldn't_ tell me that.

I came to terms a long time ago with him being an asshole. He was absent, he was emotionally hurtful if not abusive, he was quick to anger, and he never went out of his way to help us to or do anything for us. In fact, he often wouldn't do it even if it was along the way he was already going. I remember a good, happy dad from my childhood, but that's 18 or so years ago. What's happened in between far surpasses that memory.

But he was loving when I was most impressionable. And so it sticks with me, whether I want it to or not. Hearing his voice, I still sometimes feel like a little girl who wants to impress her daddy, or sneak ice cream, or play Zelda all day. And I can never have that with him again. I don't want it (and probably, as an adult, wouldn't want those things even if we had the best relationship). I barely even think of him. But an unfortunate feeling and memory creeps in and lasts sometimes for days, when all I want is to shove it back into it's little repressed corner of my mind.

This, among many other things, is making my day interminable. I wish very much that I'd thought ahead more about today, that this morning went differently, and that I wasn't at work waffling around trying to find motivation to do a job I could do in my sleep. And I don't know how to talk about anything right now. Or to who, for that matter. Or if I even should or need to. I just feel this pressure building and I don't know what to do with it. In case it wasn't obvious enough, I hate feeling out of control. The fact that I've already tried telling myself several times, "just stop thinking, let it go, work, and enjoy your day" and my head's still swimming is annoying.

But here we are. Or I am. And I should really go glaze something now.

On another more real-life note

I have failed at my goal.

That's not to say I'm giving up, but this week totally kicked my ass. I succeeded at doing five awesomely intense workouts last week and this week... it's fallen apart. I still did two intense workouts and two good strength training workouts with Michael, but it certainly didn't satisfy my goal.

I'm hoping to turn disappointment in myself into motivation to not fail _again_. I can blame busy days at work, emotional situations, and my period if I want to. But the fact is, the whole point was to do it in _spite_ of those things, not keep using them as an excuse.

I still think I can turn this around for the rest of the month and try again for July as well. But for now, I'm disappointed in myself and generally feeling mopey about it.

Why, they're alternate-dimension, post-apocalyptic Nazis, of course.

I am fascinated by dreams. My dreams, other peoples dreams, TV shows that do episodes including or made up of dreams, other "planets" where the entire existence is a dream and possibly all in the mind of a horror-god-like entity who lives to drive species insane... Sometimes my favorite part of going to sleep is dreaming.

So I very often bore everyone I know telling them what my dreams were, which no one cares about nearly as much as I do (understandably), and once I get through explaining them, they sound stupider and have many more holes in them than I originally thought. This is frustrating. So I'm trying to write down my dreams (or type them if I can since I type _much_ faster) and I thought I should keep an account here.

This is a dream I had this morning before leaving for work. When I woke up I immediately got up to type it up and I sent it to Michael:

Michael and I (and two companions I didn't know) were trying to get away from Nazi's from an alternate dimension where the apocalypse had happened. They were trying to recreate said apocalypse starting with a huge building that was very labyrinth-like. We got out just in time by working with the previous villain (who looked like Eric from True Blood). Apparently in an early episode of my dream-world, he was working against us for...something...but when the Nazis showed up he turned good (sort of) to help us defeat the Nazis (all self interested, I'm sure). To defeat them we had to, obviously, distract them with my collar. While they were inexplicably distracted and mesmerized, Michael and Eric shot the head Nazis down.

We retrieved the collar and ran out barely escaping before and same anomaly that brought the Nazis here rearranged all the rooms inside turning the place into a creepy purgatory/haunted house that could suck people in if they either got lost among the rooms causing them to never want to leave thinking it was the last vestige of civilization left in a post-apocalyptic society. We had successfully averted the apocalypse except for this isolated location and were unable to save anyone who'd been trapped inside now living their half-lives convinced the world was over.

Michael and I soon noticed that the collar we brought back wasn't the right one. Michael got upset and I started sobbing. Thinking rationally, though, I explained logically that we could get another made. Michael insisted on going back in. We knew the weight room it was in (that's where we shot down the Nazis, keep up!) would be findable if we just traveled in a straight course on the ground floor. Michael told me to wait so I could help you out when you returned.

But I worried there'd be a trick or puzzle and had notice that Michael was visibly tired and weak. So I went in running. Each room opened to the next (and they were mostly all small), until one who's wall was closed. Sandy was there (all of a sudden) and explained I could just push them open because they weren't real anyway. So that's what I did and it worked. Each wall or fake door would swing open from the center when I shoved them. Then I came to a staircase and went down.

After going through five or six rooms I came upon another down-staircase in a similar room; I realized I'd made a mistake and surveyed the room, realizing that if I went around I could crawl up on a platform that would bring me to the next room on this floor. So I backtracked to the first staircase and found that room was the
same.

I went several more rooms before coming to the weight room. I found my collar, stepped on a Nazi's head (he was trying to shoot me; I pulled out my gun afterward just in case). I ran back through the halls and rooms I'd opened up and caught up with Michael in the cafeteria (which is right near the exit). Michael looked sad and explained he'd gotten lost one floor below before realizing we weren't supposed to go downstairs in the first place. He'd found his way back and made his way to the cafeteria, but hadn't been able to find the weight room. I wrapped my arms around him and showed him the collar and explained the "trick" of the "maze".

(Now, granted, I saw the setup of the place, because this is a dream and that can happen, and it was actually quite a maze. We just happened to be following one direct route that conveniently got us what we wanted (as long as we figured out the one trick that was along the way) and would be easy to return from. People apparently got lost from veering off the main path, and there were many attractive things encouraging you to do so.)

The whole building was built in a Gothic Victorian style. Very old looking, very well decorated with lots of beautiful wooden furniture, tapestries, warm, comforting lightly, and various rooms with different themes. Some of them were shops, some were bedrooms, some were game rooms. The cafeteria was exactly as warm and old except for the high school cafeteria style tables and chairs set up. While in the cafeteria we got distracted.

Families were eating loads of food, all different kinds, and hoarding it like it was really the end of the world. Mom's were rationing what children had left, some adults were drinking multiple bottles of liquor at a time. The staff was made up of zombies (some of which were the zombies we'd killed before, but they were nice. _Very_ nice. We were offered multiple drinks and were about to have one when a little boy ran up to us (he was apparently part of our party) and knocked them out of our hands.

We remembered that eating or drinking anything while in the building would get us caught here so we started following him out. On the way out he stopped, intrigued by a corn dog one mom offered him to try. He ate it and was immediately mesmerized.

This is the part of the story where the maternal/paternal instincts we have would kick in and we'd grab him anyway to leave. Then it would trip some horrible thing happening because we tried to take something that the house or whatever rightfully earned. Hijinks would ensure, likely death for one of us would follow, and we would have either caused more destruction or had to save the day again or both. Probably both.

But no, not in my dream; we both essentially said "fuck the kid" to each other with a glance, grabbed hands and ran out the door. I think we were being pursued. We got back to the van, rushed in to get going, and when we turned back to look, the place dissolved, being replaced by a gorgeous graveyard.

I turned to Michael, handed him my collar, and as he went to put it back on me, I woke up.

... ... ...

I don't know either, but I completely want to write a schlocky science fiction story about alternate universe Nazis from a post-apocalyptic society crossing over and trying to destroy the world. Santa or the Easter Bunny or William Shatner will have to save the day.

Two new gun-control related bills.

So I was reading through my thirty of so gun blogs today and a post on some new NJ bills peaked my interest:

"A2857 – Repeals the One Gun a Month Law
A2858 – Repeals certain restrictions on future sales of handguns"
(http://cemeterysgunblob.com/2010/06/03/two-new-bills/)

While I'm _very_ invested in these myself, I'm going to likely rely on Michael and the same gun bloggers to be letting me know when pdfs are available and what the state/outcome of these bills ends up being.

Still, glad to see they're up.

Making a deal

I've made a deal with myself this month.

I've been trying (rather unsuccessfully) to lose weight. Part of the problem is the medication I'm on. It's basically fighting me the whole way. I'm also on birth control which isn't great for weight loss, either.

But still, I have been trying. Exercise is _less_ of a problem. I try to make sure I do at least 4 workouts a week, but I totally cheat sometimes doing just weight lifting or just abs or something equally lame. And it's better to do than not to, but that's not really a substitute for a real workout. I need to do 35-60 minutes of aerobics 4-6 times a week. I also need to watch my calories/fat/sugar intake. As for that, I've been doing _okay_. During the week I'm decent at keeping my calories under control. But weekends and special occasions sort of ruin that. I'm trying to integrate more vegetables into my diet and eat smaller portions.

Anyway, at the end of this month on the 26th we leave for Maine. It's a 9 day vacation, the longest one I've ever taken (unless Tennessee was 9 days, but that was mostly driving). During that week exercise in the strictest sense will be limited. We'll hopefully be hiking a decent amount and at least walking around a whole lot. But actual intense workouts will likely not happen during that time. So the deal is this, starting June first (yesterday), I will do some exercise every day, with at least five of those days per week consisting of a full, intense workout. And I will do everything I can to control my diet more. But the exercise is necessary.

And I figure once I've got an intense routine down, hopefully it'll be easier to keep up. I'll see after the four weeks what kind of progress I've made and then go from there.

I figure it's easier to set a goal for four weeks than forever. If I know the goal's four weeks away, it's attainable. Clear. Then maybe when I get back I can set another goal for July. And if I keep doing it in small increments (even if it's essentially the same goal every month or wouldn't be changed too much by just saying I will do "X" forever), eventually it'll be a long-term routine.

And that kind of intense work _has_ to pay off.

So here's hoping I have some positive reinforcement when I get back on the scale on the 26th.

Can you flatten this bottle for me? It's for a gift.

At Color Me Mine, I get a lot of odd questions from customers. Every couple of weeks (sometimes more frequently) people will come in with old ceramics they painted or made years ago that have since broken or chipped. Sometimes they've shattered. They'll ask if we can touch them up or re-fire them. We have a strict policy about not firing outside pieces which we explain as kindly as possible. Of course we're still often met with aggression over this fact. But usually it's very simple. We're all used to answering that question by now.

Sometimes people will come in and ask us to order replacement accessories (like iron holders for serving pieces or caps for travel mugs) for pieces that are over 20 years old or just simply not from our catalogues. That's always kind of weird, but I get why they would ask. We can never help them, either.

Occasionally the questions will get even more obscure like asking for a specific type of metallic paint from the seventies and wanting us to order a bottle so they can use an ounce (which they would presumably want us to fire afterwards, even though we don't fire outside pieces). We don't even use metallic paints (especially ones from the seventies since they'd no doubt have lead in them), much less have a supplier of old glazes.

We once had a woman go to a potter to get a custom piece made and then come here to have it fired. Insisted that we fire this piece which she had custom made because it was important to her. She paints here all the time and the pieces come out fine; why wouldn't this? She got increasingly more agitated as it became clear we weren't going to fire it. She clearly misunderstood our very clear conversation about not firing outside pieces and decided to threaten to get what she wants. Told us she would tell all of her friends not to paint here anymore and go to our competitor; and she has a _lot_ of friends.

We didn't fire the piece.

But today I got possibly the _weirdest_ question I've encountered. A very nice woman came in with a wine bottle that she'd carefully removed the label from. She asked me if she could rent our kiln to fire the bottle and flatten it. I'm not even sure what she's talking about. I have a very minor idea of how to work with glass (we considered doing certain glass projects here but decided on mosaics instead). But I have no idea how to flatten a bottle with a kiln and, moreso, why you'd want to. In my mind, it would just end up a misshapen long piece of glass. But I'm sure there are ways for it to keep it's shape; I just wouldn't know how. I ended up explaining to her that we both don't work with glass, only ceramic, and also don't fire outside pieces. I pointed her to Glassworks which is a similar concept to us but they work with, shock, glass. She was grateful and hopefully she'll let me know how it goes.

I was very excited. Sometimes I just _love_ the weird shit that comes up here. And I hate that I forget probably most of the best examples. So I've decided to start documenting them with a blog post every time they come up. Then one day hopefully I can write a book or my brother can make some Clerks-type movie and I'll be really wealthy.

Or at least I'll be entertained.

Introduction

I'm going to try a blog again.

I'm not sure why I fell out of favor with livejournal. I really loved it for a long time. Honestly, I still love what I loved about it, but for some reason I feel annoyed whenever I think about going on there. I don't know if it was the pressure of reading through my friends' page (which got so cluttered with groups and crap it was always insanely full) or just a general change in preference. I know I could have easily just unjoined all those groups that cluttered things up. I didn't. I still don't think I will. I may cross-post my blog entries onto my still-active livejournal.

This may be my one and only post. Maybe I'm just past my patience for blogging.

I love reading blogs. And I often have things I want to say, too. I have very strong opinions about the things I like, and the things I don't, and things that happen to me. I enjoy ranting and I enjoy documenting. So blogging seems natural. I'm hoping it was just really weird blog-writers'-block and that I can get back into the game (which we all just lost, by the way).

I don't expect an audience, although I do still enjoy the feeling of people commenting on what I say. Facebook has completely tainted my experience will blogging in general, I think. Easy to be witty (or not and have it soon lost and forgotten in everyone else's ramblings), quick, simple, and even a phone app to boot. But it's somewhat insubstantial. Don't get me wrong, as far as social networking type sites, I've found it's kept my interest the most. I hated MySpace and I'm so thrilled everyone else is on board with that now.

And Twitter... I'm fascinated by things like Twitter (and MySpace and Facebook for that matter). The whole internet social-networking phenomenon has completely changed the world and I'm fascinated by the connectedness and communication it offers. I wait for almost nothing information-wise. I can access Wikipedia on my cell phone, I can tell when one of my friends stubbed their toe, even see who's met and friended who at all hours of the day and night. I don't remember what it was like to not instantly communicate with someone. When I get a voicemail, part of me is genuinely surprised. Not long enough keep me from shooting an immediate text message which is almost always met with immediate response.

With all of these changes popped up, communication is so instant it's almost unbelievable. But with that comes a distance. I text more than I phone. I email orders in to various sites, I email tech support, I can bank online, pay all my bills, plan events, inquire about _anything_ ever. I never have to actually speak to anyone, really. My employees never answer the phone when I call them. But a text? Immediate response! Like they really are at my beck and call... except when I actually, you know, call. And it's not bad, that's not what I mean. But with 100 character "blogging", 160 character text messaging, and emails, sometimes, with all the constant connection, I feel completely cut off. So I try to call, I try to write letters (and fail miserably), and I try to use those tools to plan as many parties or get-togethers as I can. Because I want to use the tools, but not in place of interaction.

Anyway, so here I am, using another internet tool to document and possibly connect. I love technology, I just sometimes get irritated about the way it's used (including the way I use it). So then, I try to use it better.

Here's to writing; let's see if it sticks this time.